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Getting Laid is Easy…

Getting Laid is Easy…

Getting laid is easy. Getting loved is hard. That’s something I posted as a comment to a friend who was lamenting some romantic challenges he’s been going through. I could relate. I posted it as a bit of a pithy joke…something to take the sting out of what he was feeling and to show solidarity in the same struggles. Brothers in arms, so to speak. Arms that don’t embrace.

Then, I read it over a few times and realized I’d inadvertently said a mouthful. In the 5 years I’ve been single, I’ve had little problem getting laid. It’s actually become so easy it’s boring. What has been harder than breathing on the moon is getting loved. I won’t — and can’t — speak for others, but as a gay man, I am stunned by the lack of affection we have for one another. Stunned!

I used to think it was me, as I’m sure a lot of people do when smacking into the wall of emotional indifference. The reverie of self-loathing and self-annihilating excuses we deploy on ourselves to try to find reason in this seemingly futile odyssey is endless. Now, in my early 50s, I realise it isn’t me, it’s them. It’s us. We are in a hell of our own making.

Just last night I ran into a guy whom I’d met a week prior and with whom I really connected. Or so I thought. We flirted, we kissed, we exchanged ideas for a great, romantic first date, we even made plans to make the date. We talked about what we desired in a relationship…long- and short-term goals. It was thrilling and exhilarating. It was a dream. I gave him my contact information and never heard from him.

A few days later at work, I was talking to a colleague about the encounter and the lack of follow up. As is my style, I made a joke of it: “I met this guy. We hit it off. We connected. We kissed. We made plans. I never heard from him again,” I said. “What happened?” asked my colleague. “Last call,” I joked. It wasn’t really a joke. It was a typical pattern of guys I’ve met and felt I’d connected with. Then, nothing.

I’m more than just a walking cock.

imagesAnyway, I ran into the aforementioned guy with whom I thought I’d have at least a proper date with. He sauntered up to me and apologized for not getting in touch. Then, he went into his excuses and rationale for not doing so. To be honest, I can’t remember a word of what he said. I checked out. It was another load of blizz-blam that I really didn’t need to hear again. Suffice to say, there will be no future flirting or date-making with this guy…a guy who I have exiled to the mountain of men who careen off of me…unable to follow through.

Had I done the easy and obvious, I would have gone home with him that first night and had sex. Easy. Obvious. Too easy. Getting laid is too easy. It is my personal belief that it is impeding our ability to create relationships. Or, at the very least, create a date. Romance is dead. We are all in some sort of meta-porn reality where we just look at each other as a buffet of body parts waiting to be picked over and nibbled on. I’ve got news for you: I’m more than just a walking cock.

It is the most surreal experience to be out, alone, watching others who are dating, married, whatever, and feeling like you are under water looking at them through a thick pane of glass with no idea how to break through that barrier. You see that it can happen, but you have no way of relating to the reality of it. It’s like being in a human zoo of emotions, watching this tango, this nimble-stepping pas de deux happening all around you and not knowing the choreography. It’s Bob Fosse meets Jane Goodall. Gorillas in the midst.

I can see why thrusting your loins is a more appealing option than offering your heart.

men-kissing-4It’s easy to blame it on age. It’s almost comforting to blame it on age. I have joked that, at 51, I have a better chance of being attacked by a shark while in a crashing plane than getting a date. But I think it’s more than that. I think we have forgotten the basics of relating. We’ve forgotten the fundamentals of dating. We’ve abandoned romance and settled for the ease of the hookup. Because it’s just so easy.

Romance is fun — and also challenging. It requires talking chances, putting your heart out there and hoping it doesn’t get hammered. After decades of that, I can see why thrusting your loins is a more appealing option than offering your heart. However, your loins get tired and your heart gets hard. That doesn’t age well.

I still have hope that one day I will meet a guy who is honest, sincere and not afraid of the follow through. It’s a faint hope. In the meantime, I will still watch with awe that rare breed of romantics who have managed to find one another and watch their intricate dance for what step I may be missing. For now, I’ve become a romantic anthropologist in the dating jungle.

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Andy2 copy 3Andrew Vails writing career began in Halifax when he was a child. In Grade 4, he wrote and produced his own series of comic books entitled “Freaky The Frog”, the on-going tale of a little misfit frog and his pals of the pond. Marvel Comics never came knocking but Andrew knew he loved to create and tell stories. Since then, Andrew has worked in advertising, PR and publicity; has interviewed politicians, rock stars and very interesting yet not-so-famous movers and shakers. He has published articles in a variety of local and national magazines and websites. Andrew is currently working on the project queer50.com.


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6 Comments

  1. If I was not already married and spoken for I would date you and have no problem with opening my heart. You are a great and amazing guy and any man would be lucky to love you.

  2. Interesting read. To be honest I don’t think this is strictly a “gay” issue. As a straight guy I have run into the same issue with women. At first I found the entire process of meeting a woman was difficult, but the prospect of having to spend time with her in order to learn more about her, and determine if we were compatible felt tedious. Getting laid was easy but now I’m not even interested in sex anymore. At this point I have become quite comfortable to be alone.

  3. This speaks volumes!!!!

  4. Great read Andrew. There is a definite disconnect between love and intimacy. These days it’s all about instant gratification. For better or for worse still exists; however, in this generation we would have better luck finding the needle in the haystack.

  5. Great article…the author is uncommonly authentic, the very thing in men that he cannot seem to find. Cheers to hopeless romantics and finding Mr Well Matched, rather than Mr Well for Tonight

  6. Hi Andrew! Well written, perceptive, insightful and authentic, as another reader noted! Love is so fleeting. We humans are a funny bunch. So much is right before us; we ought to put more energy into that and take the risk as you suggested. It’s all too common than when we connect with someone; it’s an ego boost instead of a romantic heart boost. It takes time for relationships to build and love to flourish, but instead many take the ego path thinking they scored and can do even better, before realizing it’s too late now to go back and kindle what could be their real dreams. Such a fickle pickle that many of us put ourselves unnecessarily in! Thanks for your bravery in highlighting this and starting a REAL conversation!

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