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Get Ready for the Big Gay Apocalypse

Get Ready for the Big Gay Apocalypse

Last week hurricane Sandy blew up through the Caribbean and along the east coast of North America wreaking havoc on coastlines, cities and towns in its wake. This was pretty serious stuff that caused loss of life and billions of dollars in damage. Major weather events, seismic events and plagues are nothing to be laughed or snorted at, mocked or treated dismissively. Nor are they to be blamed on gay people.

Unfortunately, Sandy—like so many other natural disasters—has been placed at the feet of gay people (and abortionists to a slightly lesser extent) by the fringe of Christianity: the psychotically, narcissistically insane. Sadly, these folks have sway on Terre Firma as the fringe is expanding like a tight elastic band after a Thanksgiving dinner.

The latest culprit of the “blame gays” game is so-called biblical scholar John McTernan of the benevolent organization, “Defend and Proclaim the Faith” ministries in Pennsylvania (ironically, the same state that is desperately trying to invoke legislation to stave off voter fraud, read: Democratic voter suppression). That iinitiative has been put on the back burner for now. McTernan should join it—in a pot of boiling water.

They have given us god-like omnipotence with their asinine assertions.

At any rate, this ‘Holy Seer’ has deemed Sandy “a huge bucket of vomit in America’s face during the election,” forcing us to choose between “a pro-homosexual Mormon along with a pro-abortion/homosexual, Muslim Brotherhood promoter, Hard Left Fascist.” This last quote I took from Salon, I encourage you to read their full—and entertaining—story of the evangelical line drawn between big blowing winds, shaking and homosexuals.

I will not attempt to regurgitate the psychotic ramblings of fringe fundamentalists as doing so serves to not only help convey their moronic diatribes but to melt my brain and make me stupid(er). Suffice to say we have all heard their blather and while some of us laugh it off, many of us take it as more a stone to the head than a grain of salt. However, here’s a twist these twits may have overlooked: they have given us god-like omnipotence with their asinine assertions.

By virtue of the fact that I lay with other men…I can wreak havoc anytime and any place on my whim.

Yes, Virginia, gays are all-powerful and almighty; and you heard it from the people whose ears He whispers in on a constant basis (no, the other voice in their heads). McTernan and his gaggle of god-sucking goons haven’t thought this line of accusation through. In proffering the idea that massive destruction and annihilation is the work of gays (and to a lesser extent, abortionists), they’ve handed us the power to shape the fates and the face of the planet.

Their attempts to make gays and lesbians and abortionists scapegoats may backfire in their beatific faces. Ok, I know what you may be thinking, why is he cottoning to this kookery? I’ll tell you why: in the face of intractable insanity, you have to pick up the crazy stick and hit back. I’ll admit these offensive (and inane in the face of real suffering and strife) missives used to really hock me off. But I’ve learned that if you can’t beat them, use their logic to clobber them.

You really don’t want to piss us off!

I have taken to heart my might as a gay man. I have realized my power as a force to change the planet from its core to its most active atmospheric heights, and I like it. By virtue of the fact that I lay with other men (typically not at once…but that’s another discussion), I can wreak havoc anytime and any place at my whim. We all can. Well, according to the evangelical soothsayers.

So, with that knowledge in hand and my acceptance of my power as a climate-changing-storm-raging-earth-quaking homosexual, I just have this to say to Mr. McTernan and his ilk and flock: watch your step, your words and your manners…you really don’t want to piss us off!

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One Comment

  1. But Andrew, Fox News tells me that Obama will make me kill my children and divorce my wife and force me to gay marry a guy. Are you saying that’s not true?

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