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Meh…

Meh…

As a rule, I am focused and ambitious in my life: career, friends, writing, travel, and hobbies. I approach it all with zeal, looking for challenges and opportunities around every corner. But the one thing that I am constantly engulfed in ambivalence about is dating and intimate relationships. When a perfectly respectable, attractive, interesting man comes my way and wants more than a few hours of my time, my reaction is, “Meh”. I just don’t care. More than that, I get turned off.

When I am alone and thinking about the prospect of dating or having a boyfriend, my next thought is, “meh”. I just can’t muster up the interest or desire to put that on my personal agenda. This isn’t to say that I’m some sad, shrinking violet sitting alone in the corner feeling woebegone and sorry. Quite the contrary, as I’ve written in previous posts, I dive into the social scene arms and legs akimbo, except when it comes to the prospect of dating.

After 30 years and countless men, I’ve seen all the tricks in all the bags…“Meh”.

This is not the first time I’ve been awash in ambivalence when it comes to men. Years ago I went through a stage where I just couldn’t dredge up enough interest in anyone to even go out for a coffee. It used to bother me, I used to wonder what was wrong with me that I was so ambivalent about men and dating. I always wanted them sexually, but emotionally, I was bereft of desire.

Now, I could go down the old, well-worn road of blaming my past relationships for my general lassitude toward emotional entanglements, and to an extent, I think I am justified (aren’t we all). I just think that after 30 years and countless men, I’ve seen all the tricks in all the bags. I’ve also heard all the lines and the promises of love and so on. “Meh”.

Whether it’s an emotional protection mechanism or middle age or divorce hangover, I can’t say for sure. The thing that is different now is that I’m starting to look outward instead of only inward. I used to shoulder ther entire blame myself for my romantic ambivalence. Now, I want to be clear, I’m not without objective thought about this. I will admit that there have been certain characteristics in partners I have chosen that appealed to me then lead me down the road to relationship hell. I am guilty of pretty bad judgment when it comes to men. But now, I’m beginning to realize that maybe it’s not all me, maybe it’s them. After all, it takes two people to fuck up a relationship.

The gonads are raging, but the heart has pretty much gone into arrest.

After years and years and decades of being promised something, lied to, deceived, and generally swamped in bullshit, I’ve caught on to the game. I have been turned from a wide-eyed soldier of love to a fuck ‘em and forget ‘em middle-aged gay man. And I have a funny feeling that is the way this whole thing is designed to be. I’m certainly not alone in this way of thinking and behaving. If I was, then I wouldn’t be alone. There are hundreds—thousands—of gay men in this city who are just as emotionally switched off as I am. Oh, the gonads are raging, but the heart has pretty much gone into arrest.

Maybe I’ve just been at it too long? Maybe I am in a rut? Maybe I’m just bored? Maybe it’s compartmentalized depression (if there is such a thing)? Or maybe I’m tired of hearing guys come on with the whole “I really want to get to know you and spend time with you…I’m ultimately looking for an LTR” only to fall down that rabbit hole and crawl out months or years later with the sound of the Mad Hatter’s cackling ringing in my ears.

Sure, it sounds cynical and maybe you’re reading this thinking I’m bitter—and maybe I am…a bit. But at some point you have to look at things in your life that aren’t working and realize you are in a kind of death roll. You either continue to spin or you extract yourself from the situation. Who says you can’t be single and happy? It’s a hell of a lot better than cycling through relationships that don’t work, that chip away at your self-esteem and generally make you feel so bad you are driven to ‘fix’ it all by seeking another relationship. And so on and so on and so on. “Meh”.

But I will say this, either we have to switch up our dating game and start talking the truth to one another or there will be thousands of gay men in this city over 50 walking around, emotionally battered, bitter and ambivalent looking at each other and thinking, “Meh”.

photo credit: Ð¯ick Harris


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2 Comments

  1. LOVE IT!!!

  2. If you can’t beat’em, join’em? Sounds like a lot the guys out there are super “Meh” but are excellent at putting on a show and dishing out the pickup lines.

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