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Down To Earth

Down To Earth

It’s become more obvious to me as time has gone by that the whole episode in my past is fading like a bad dream. It feels as if it wasn’t my life or it wasn’t real. I realize that if there had been physical abuse, I would have been gone after the first smack. But emotional abuse is so subtle and pervasive, that I didn’t know I was trapped until the end.

That kind of fool’s folly can leave you blaming yourself and it’s been slowly dawning on me that the abuse was only there until she found a new partner to replace me with, even though she’d been, unbeknownst to me, secretly communicating with many women on the Internet for years.

So I ask myself, what do I want in a lover/partner?

The ties that bound me to her were of my own making and when she snapped them, I was left floating away, creating my own hell that wasn’t really mine to create. Sometimes lies are not what is actually said, but can be manifest in great, gaping silences and omissions. The rest was just meaningless white noise that now I see it was a total waste of time.

So I ask myself, what do I want in a lover/partner? I want someone who takes responsibility for her own life, body and orgasms. I can be a catalyst for all of these but I can’t make a person do or feel anything. I value intelligence, a sense of humour, and an ability to communicate honestly and fairly with me as I hope to do with her. There is so much in this world to share and explore and being stuck in a chair all day is a state of mind, not an actual physical thing. It speaks of an inability to reach out and grab life and explore it to its fullest.

It’s time to share my pleasure with another

I find it impossible to accept someone who raises her voice to me or who mistreats me physically in any way. This is an offshoot of my upbringing, which, according to the modern definition of child abuse, pretty well describes parts of my childhood.

I want someone who can share her entire being with me wholeheartedly and trust that I’m not in this for the short term. I’ve been pleasuring myself for years and can keep on doing that if that’s what life allows but I think it’s time to share my pleasure with another.

Love is a precious thing and it can only be shared if I first feel love for myself. I do. So, I’m now coming down to earth as the Peter Gabriel song says and I want to grab life by the short and woolies and shake and suck and hold it and softly touch it and kiss it with as much gusto as I possibly can.

Until next time, please remember that there were two of you in the relationship and your ex has to share half of the responsibility. You’re not to blame.

photo credit: Artiste peintre


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2 Comments

  1. Hi Freya,
    Finally found your blog. What a good message. My problem is that I’m so ashamed of my behaviour in the relationship with my ex and she was so adept at scapegoating me that I feel like I am to blame for more than fifty percent of the problems. And I don’t know how to stop loving her even though she was incredibly cruel and heartless at times. The good stuff was just so good… Today is the hardest day of the year for me because it’s her b-day. I drove by the house at midnight – with my heart in my mouth – to put a b-day card in her mailbox. Her new partner’s car was in the driveway. I would be so grateful to just die. How do you get over something like this? You say it is fading for you. It has been nearly three years and is as fresh and vivid for me as if it happened yesterday. In my mind, I am still in a relationship with her. I don’t know how to believe that all those things she told me weren’t true – or worse – that they were and that she fell out of love with me because of my inability to control my emotions. Sorry for going on…
    Livia

    • Hi Livia
      I know how difficult it is to let go, especially as you were the one who I assume was dumped. I rediscovered a course I took a year or two ago on something called “Emotional Freedom Techniques”, also called, “Tapping”. I started to tap away, everyday and slowly was released from any residual trauma. I also had a real ‘movement of energy’ that I equate to being hit by a two by four in the back if the head. Tapping looks silly, sounds silly but actually is something that can shift negative energy that may be blocking your ability to see her as she actually is and allows YOU to forgive yourself. You’ve had a bumpy ride and you’re taking more of the blame than 50%. It’s way higher than that.
      Please feel free to email me at and we can talk “off the blog” as it were.
      Give yourself a big hug and do it for yourself. Hope to hear from you.

      Freya

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